“A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child’s memory.”
I remember the very first time I cried as a flight attendant. It was Mother’s Day. I was in the lounge waiting for my sign in, and it just hit me...tears, out of nowhere. I was not a mother at that time, I was just so sad that I couldn’t be home to celebrate it with my mom. The woman who gave everything to me my whole life, the woman who literally gave me life. My older brothers were out of the house, I was out of the house & out of town, so it was up to my little brother and sister to make sure it was a special day for her. Of course they did...but for the first time ever, I wasn’t a part of heading it up.
My mom is literally an angel. She's a beautiful soul who deserves the whole world. Loving, selfless, forgiving, and service oriented. She was a stay-at-home mom, so I would come home from school or work to a clean & loving home, food to eat, and someone to talk to about my whole day. I never had to worry that my needs wouldn’t be met, or that my thoughts and struggles couldn’t be talked about. There were many nights growing up that I would stay in my parents room on their rocking chair all night, just talking about things that were bothering me...and they would always listen. I never doubted for a second that I was blessed. I knew how loved I was, and I was thankful.
Whatever struggle we had, Mom made it her struggle. Whatever battle we were fighting, Mom made it her battle. When any of us were having a hard time; whether it was a breakup, feeling lonely at school, cyber bullying, etc; I could see the pain and hurt in her eyes. She was always our safe place. She was our Mother. It was her natural instinct to protect us and take care of us. And she did an amazing job at that; she still does.
When I found out I was pregnant with Chloe, my natural instinct was to do all I could to protect her in my womb. I knew I lived my life in a healthy way; I always had. But when I found out there was a human life growing inside of me, I wanted to take it a step further. What could I do to protect her? What could I do to make her completely comfortable? I loved her so much already.
It truly is a mother’s natural instinct to protect her child. During pregnancy, that’s all I wanted to do. Protect Chloe.
During the complications of pregnancy and the grief my mom has watched me go through; that’s all she has wanted to do. Protect me.
When we found out there were some complications with my pregnancy, the first thought I had was; How can I protect my baby from this?
And the first person I called was...my mom.
When I was first placed on bedrest at home, the only thing on my mind was; keeping Chloe comfortable.
The first person who came to my rescue to do all of our housework and fix our meals...my mom.
When my water broke & I was told I was being admitted to the hospital 3.5 hours away from home, my only question was;
“Is this hospital the best place for Chloe to be?”
When the ambulance pulled up to the hospital and I saw Derrick right behind me in our car; the person right behind him pulling up was...
During those 10 weeks in the hospital, my favorite part of every day was hearing her little heartbeat and knowing she was okay.
Chloe is still safe.
During those 10 weeks in the hospital, my mom's favorite part of the week was driving 2.5 hours to spend the whole day cooped up in a hospital room.
She wanted to make sure her daughter (and granddaughter) were still okay.
When Chloe was born and I felt her beautiful presence, I was in a state of pure joy; happiness; love.
I was completely devoted to keeping her safe and protected.
When the doctors explained to me there was nothing they could do to save her, I looked at her with blurred vision and told her how sorry I was. I wasn’t able to protect my daughter. Even though it was the only thing in the world I ever wanted to do, my natural instinct, I couldn’t. I had no control in this world, and all I could do was repeat over and over again; “I’m so sorry…”
As my mom has watched me suffer through this grief, I have also watched her struggle. I can feel her sorrow, too. Her wish that she could save me from this heartache. Her desire to take away my pain. Her natural instinct to protect me from despair. I feel that she is broken because she knows she can’t fix what has happened. She can’t bring Chloe back to life, and she can’t heal my hurting soul. As I said to my daughter in that moment she slipped away; my mother still says to me…”I’m so sorry…” while she is grieving the loss of her granddaughter; and watching her daughter navigate through life after the loss of a child.
In every way, mothers are beautiful. We create life, we carry life, we sustain life, and we love our children more than ourselves. Mothers are a blessing to this world. Especially my mother. I am eternally grateful for her. And I am eternally grateful for Chloe--the beautiful angel girl who made me a mother.
As Mother's Day approaches, it feels as if my heart is being ripped out all over again. There's an emptiness; a hole that I can't fill. This is the hardest Mother’s Day of all. The first Mother’s Day as a mother...but a grieving mother. I can’t protect my daughter anymore; that is in Jesus’ hands. All I can do now, is protect her memory. I know what she stands for. I know who she is. She is a perfect soul, a beautiful reflection of Christ’s love for me. God sent her to us on purpose. To this loving home, that will never forget her. This little girl, although she didn’t get to stay long...is a miracle. She is completely loved. And even though death feels like the end sometimes; it’s not the end. I know we will see her again.
For my mother--The woman who has stayed by my side during the best days and the worst days. The woman who has held me while I cry since the beginning of my time here on earth...& continues to do so. The woman who guides me through my journey of life, love, and loss. The woman who sets a beautiful example to her children every day, in every way. Thank you for loving me and for never letting me down.
Singer/Songwriter from Arkansas; with a passion & goal to create real music that speaks to the soul.
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us.