Something so interesting and amazing happened to me on my flight today.
I need to start by saying, last night was really hard for me.
I sat in my hotel room and just cried to God. I said to him,
“I can’t understand this.”
“I don’t know why you would let this happen to me.”
“This isn’t fair!”
After venting to God, I turned it around by praying to him and I thanked Him for all that I do have.
Then I asked Him for more understanding and peace. I asked Him to send us children that we could raise here on this Earth, in this life. That we could raise these children up in righteousness, so that we can all reunite as a family; with God and with Chloe some day. These are the things I pray for every morning and every night.
I’ve been struggling so much with not only the loss of my daughter, but also the constant fear that this could happen again. What if I get pregnant again? My water could break early, again. We could lose a child, again.
My body, the body I’ve taken such good care of my whole life, could cause our baby to suffer…again. What if I can’t carry a baby successfully? What if every attempt we make, ends in tragedy? I can’t stand the thought, and sometimes the anxiety is more than I can handle. So I pray…because that’s all I can do.
Last night was one of those nights where I felt helpless. I missed my daughter, I was mad at God because I couldn’t keep her, and I was anxiously wondering if I was ever going to be able to have and keep kids of my own. This morning, God answered my prayer. He wants me to understand. He needs me to be on His side.
It was a flight from Atlanta to Grand Rapids, Michigan. I was flying on the MD-88 and was working the 2L position. When you work 2L, you have to sit in what we call the “Princess Seat.” It’s a super awkward seat because you are facing the passengers, your legs are in their way, and you either all avoid eye contact or decide to engage in small talk. It was the first flight out of the 3 days that I had to sit there. Across from me, were 2 young and pretty girls that were close to my age. Anywhere from 20-25. Upon landing, they started a conversation with me.
“How long have you worked for Delta?”
“Wow, do you love it? It seems like such a cool job!”
I went on to talk about the pros and cons of the job.
I explained that I do it for the travel benefits, free flights forever... doesn’t get better than that. We talked about how it was day 6 of flying for me, so I was extremely excited to go home today... 8 days off, and I was so ready for them. We talked about my awesome husband, and how excited I was to see my dog. They talked about why they were traveling... best friends on a trip to Florida for spring break, and they were on their way home after a week of fun. They talked about Michigan, and how it seems boring on the surface...but there’s actually so much to do and see there. They told me some of the things I should do next time I have a long layover in Grand Rapids.
The typical small talk. I had a smile on my face the whole time, even the whole flight.
I only talked about the positive, uplifting things in my life. I never gave any hints that I was struggling in any way. It was a good conversation. After the small talk was over, we stopped talking for a few minutes.
After about 3 minutes of silence, one of the girls looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, I know this is so weird...but I feel like God is speaking to me right now. He really wants me to pray for you. Would that be okay with you?” I said, “sure, I’ll accept prayers"... thinking she would take my name and pray for me later. I will always accept prayers. I know there is power in them.
She went on to ask, “is there something you’re struggling with? I know I need to pray for something specific.”
I said, “well, I’m not going to go into detail. But I will definitely accept a prayer.” She paused, then asked…
“Is it infertility?” I was in shock that she mentioned infertility. It’s not exactly infertility, but I am worried that I will not be able to have children. So in a sense; yes. Same category. I asked; “What?” She stuttered a little this time, as if she felt totally awkward asking but needed to know. “I mean…. um.. is it infertility?”
She didn’t know how to reword it. So she just simply asked again.
At that point, my mouth dropped open and I felt moved to tell her my story.
“No, not exactly… but my husband and I did just lose our baby girl ...she was full term, and we lost her because my body failed. I do struggle with not knowing if I can carry my children.” As I told her this, a tear fell down my cheek.
She said, “God speaks, and he wants you to know how much he loves you.
He wants you to know there are spirits coming to join your family soon...
and they will be amazing, shining examples of Him. Strong, loving, incredible spirits.”
So that’s why she had an impression that I was struggling with infertility. God laid it on her heart to tell me that I would have children even though I wasn’t sure at this point that I would. She didn’t know exactly what had broken me, but she did know what message she needed to send to me. And that message was loud and clear. Ask God, with real intent, and he will answer you. He loves you.
I couldn’t believe this conversation was happening. I went on to talk more about what happened, the 10 weeks in the hospital after my water broke, the 12 hour labor, the absolutely beautiful and perfect baby girl who only lived for 27 minutes. My guardian angel. Chloe.
The girl then said, “is it okay if I pray now?” I said, “sure!”... we all bowed our heads in that circle of the MD-88 2L door. She prayed for our peace and comfort as we mourn the loss of our little one. She prayed for safety for the beautiful spirits that are joining our family. She prayed for our family. She prayed for healing. She thanked God for his love and grace, for speaking to her on that day. It was a beautiful prayer.
Before she left the aircraft, I asked her; “How did you know? I mean, it’s not that I’m infertile, but it’s been so heavy on my heart. I just didn’t know if I could have children, because of what has happened. So it terrifies me to try again. I was angry last night, and after anger, I was praying so hard that I could have other children that we could keep here.” She replied, “because God speaks. He loves us so much, and He knows each of us. He hears us. He knew you needed something today...and he wants you to keep on going. He seriously loves you so much. And he has plans for you and your family.”
This message was sent directly to me by a young woman, close to my age, who was beautiful in every way. She knows and loves God, and she acts on her promptings. Because she does this, she helps other people along the way. It is so important to remember that we are here to help others along their journey. If we feel these promptings, we should act on them. I can’t express enough how much this woman’s words meant to me. Because she acted on her feelings, I am in a state of peace. I know God hears our cries. And he loves us so much.
Singer/Songwriter from Arkansas; with a passion & goal to create real music that speaks to the soul.
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us.